Poseidon Would be the God of Really Hot Lifeguards
by Optronix Prime
Summary: Percy and his fellow counselors spend an evening around the campfire 'modernizing' their godly parents for their own amusement, but when Dionysus visits Olympus and tells the other gods about what they're kids said, they take in in turn to godify their children. "That no good Son of Hades, Nico, he would be the God of Happy Meals!" -Demeter
1. Poseidon, the God of Hot Lifeguards

**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson**

It was a small group around the campfire by ten o'clock at night. It was mainly counselors talking and laughing, sharing tales of great myth. Everyone that was there was munching on stolen Doritos and marshmallows. Annabeth and Percy were next to each other, Grover bleating his goatly laugh. Silena and Beckendorf were glued together, his arms around her waist as she sat in his lap. The Stolls were launching marshmallows into their mouths, Travis' bopping him in the nose. Clarisse snorted at Travis' fail and pelted him with a few Goldfish she happened to have with her. Katie Gardner rolled her eyes, turning to Willow, whispering something in her ear. Willow giggled, looking over at the Stolls.

"Did we ever tell you the tale of King Francis of Wiggleton? The-"

"King who was eaten by demonic breakfast pastries," they all finished for him. Connor looked sheepish.

"Sheesh, If you didn't like the story, all you had to do was say so!"

"Even if we had, you'd still tell it _again_," Annabeth shot at him. Connor's face suddenly looked very pale in the glow of the golden-orange fire.

"Connor, you okay?" Travis asked, looking concerned.

"Annabeth...?"

"What?"

"Look behind you! HUGE SPIDER!" Annabeth's scream could be heard all the way to the Big House and the cabins. She was on her feet so fast you would have thought Zeus had tried to smite her with a lightning bolt.

"PERSEUS JACKSON KILL THE SPIDER!"

Connor's face broke into an evil grin as the stuffed spider swooped down closer to Annabeth. Travis, catching on, only added to the prank.

"It's a Japanese Flying Spider! They can FLY THROUGH THE AIR!" Annabeth's dagger was in her hand. She pushed Grover out of her way and began to hack viciously at the giant, stuffed spider. Fluff oozed from its wounds, littering the ground with black yarn and white poof. She turned to face the Stolls, her grey eyes so stormy it was hard to imagine anything less than pure hatred for the two brothers was raging within her at that very moment.

"Annabeth, it was just a joke. Don't kill us!" they whimpered together. She growled, but sat back down, sheathing her knife, muttering murderously. They grinned sheepishly at her.

"Remind me to never scream 'spider' around her," Katie muttered to Willow. She grinned and nodded.

"Will do."

"Now that the excitement's over, now what?" Silena asked, nuzzling Beckendorf's cheek as she went.

"I dunno...how about we play twenty questions?" Connor suggested.

"That's lame," Clarisse announced, picking dried marshmallow out from under fingernails.

"Then why don't you come up with something?" Percy retorted, throwing a paper cup into the fire. Grover glared at him. Percy threw his arms up into the air. "There's only so much I can do for the environment, Grover!" Everyone snorted and laughed. Grover's face turned red.

"We could play spin the bottle," Silena voiced, running fingers through her smooth brown hair. Everyone looked at everyone else, blinked twice, then burst out laughing.

"Yeah right, like any of us will really kiss half the people here!" Katie exclaimed. Connor whispered just loud enough for the group to hear,

"But I know who would kiss Katie." Travis punched him hard in the arm.

"Anyone got any more ideas? Anything thoughts?!" Travis said a little too quickly.

"Ya know, if you modernized the gods, I think Hermes would be the god of drug dealers," Willow said without thinking as she stared into the fire. Everyone was silent. "What?" Willow asked, looking up at them. Katie looked thoughtful.

"I agree with that."

"Hey!" cried Connor and Travis. "Don't you go dissing our dad!" Annabeth had cracked a smile.

"He is a thief...I actually _can_ see him dealing cocaine to high schoolers."

"Well-well if Athena was 'modernized' she'd be the Goddess of Nerds!" Annabeth rolled her eyes.

"That's hardly an insult."

"Guys..." Silena said, looking over towards where the beach would be if other things weren't in the way. "Poseidon would be the god of really, _really_ hot lifeguards." Percy cracked up. They all did. It wasn't until Connor started choking on a Dorito that they all started gasping for their breath. Travis slapped his hand on Connor's back, attempting to help him. Connor's eyes watered.

"I hope you know that _doesn't help_," he wheezed. Travis shrugged, grinning cheekily.

"If Poseidon's the God of Mega-Hot Lifeguards, then Hades is _so _the God of Goths," Percy chimed in. Beckendorf laughed again.

"Totally!"

"Oh my gods!" Annabeth cried out in realization.

"What?" asked several people.

"Hera would be the Goddess of Divorce!" Percy laughed so hard he nearly fell into the fire.

"Yes! That's SO true! And Demeter would be the Goddess of Pesticides!" Katie glowered at him, arms crossing over her chest.  
"No way! She is not the Goddess of Chemicals that _murder bugs_!"

"But that's why it's _funny_, Gardner," Travis retorted, spearing a marshmallow on a stick and thrusting it into the fire. The group of demigods got their own sticks and started toasting their marshmallows.

"Since Apollo had that thing for Hyacinthus, wouldn't that make him the god of homosexuals?" Willow choked, looking over at Connor with wide eyes. The others looking over at him too.

"I'd say so," Clarisse said, stealing the chip bag from Percy. Another round of silence was met. Willow pulled her golden brown marshmallow from the fire, removing it from the stick.

"That would make Aphrodite the Goddess of S.T.I.s!" Silena's face looked horrified. Beckendorf started laughing so much that Silena was pushed off his lap. Percy and Grover joined in. Annabeth looked like she was trying not smile. Clarisse was roaring, chips falling all over the ground.

"That one is my favorite!' Clarisse announced, grabbing a graham cracker for her marshmallow. She threw some chocolate on the cracker and smashed her marshmallow between them.

"My mother is _not_ the goddess of sexually transmitted diseases!" Silena shrieked from the ground.

"_Infections_," Connor corrected her. "They officially changed it a couple years ago." Silena glowered at him, got up, and stormed off. Her long dark hair trailing behind her much like a Grim Reaper's cloak.

"She's pissed," Clarisse clarified for all those who missed the exchange. Travis helped himself to some of Clarisse's Goldfish.

"Dudes, what would Dionysus be?" Travis asked through munches of Goldfish. Everyone went quiet, deep in thought.

"Diet Coke's too obvious," Percy muttered under this breath.

"Of course it is, Seaweed Brain," Annabeth retorted, rolling her eyes.

"I got it," Beckendorf said loudly, grinning.

"Whatcha thinkin'?" Willow asked as she toasted another marshmallow since _someone_ stole her first one.

"Grape juice. He's the God of Grape Juice." Everyone cracked up again. Grover looked mortified, looking around, obviously praying Mr. D wasn't around.

"He is the God of Wine," Grover bleated.

"Wine is just glorified grape juice!" Connor said as he howled with laughter. Grover's face went red.

"Who's left?" Clarisse asked. Everyone shifted their gaze to Annabeth. She didn't disappoint.

"Zeus, Ares, Artemis, Hephaestus, and Hestia, if you're only doing the Olympians."

"Zeus! I can't believe we missed Zeus!" Travis shouted, facepalming. Percy grinned.

"Do any of you remember Pooh Bear?"

"What does he have to do with any of this?" Willow questioned, looking over at her half-brother.

"Remember the little black rain cloud?" he asked. Katie Gardner actually snorted with laughter.

"Zeus can be the god of little black rain clouds!" Everyone was laughing and giggling. Chips and marshmallows hit the ground as Travis rolled off his seat because he was laughing so hard. Grover cracked a smile, still looking too nervous to add anything to the conversation.

"Wait, hold everything just a second," Connor said, a look of realization on his face.

"What is it, Stoll?" Annabeth demanded.

"Iris is the Goddess of the Rainbow, right?"

"Yes."

"That makes her the Goddess of Skittles!"

The group of demigods laughed for so long that it took a long time for them to recover. Some were choking and wheezing, practically gasping for breath. Katie and Willow had tears in their eyes. Beckendorf was bent double, his whole body shaking with mirth.

"And since Nemesis is the goddess of balance or something, wouldn't that make her the Goddess of Scales?" Percy coughed out, clutching his sides. People nodded, unable to speak because they were still laughing. Travis laughed even harder. Willow managed to rasp,

"We are all _so_ going to the Fields of Punishment!"

It took ten minutes for everyone to calm down and catch their breath. Everyone was grinning wildly.

"Ya know, Artemis would so be the Goddess of Lesbianism," Beckendorf said suddenly. Grover fainted at his words. Connor and Travis chuckled, pulling out Sharpies.

"And Hephaestus would be the God of High School Workshop," Katie countered. Beckendorf looked surprised she had retorted so fast. Clarisse nodded in approval.

"Out of the Olympians, all that's left is Hestia and Ares," Annabeth informed them, finishing off the Doritos as she did so.

"Ares, God of Civil Disobedience," Percy supplied. Clarisse glowered at him.

"I'm gonna squash you like a bug."

"Hestia...Hestia..." Willow mumbled. Then her eyes lit up. "Hestia, the Goddess of Home Invasion!"

The laughter was sparked again. Annabeth was slumped against Percy's shoulder because she was laughing so hard. Katie became off balanced and fell right off her seat. She kept right on laughing as Willow yanked her back up, grinning all the while. When Annabeth managed to pull herself together, she had an idea of her own.

"Hecate, the Goddess of 4-Way Intersections!" Most of the guys looked confused. Willow laughed harder, tears streaming down her cheeks. Katie beamed widely.

"Why is that funny?" Connor asked, looking at her confusedly.

"Hecate is the Goddess of Crossroads, choices," Annabeth informed them, grinning. The laughter flared up again, the fire burning an even brighter gold. Several Goldfish fell into the fire for Connor shook the bag a little too hard as he snorted at the levity of the situation.

"Guys, I got it," Beckendorf interjected. The group turned to look at him. "Persephone, the Goddess of Child Abuse."

The campers surrounding the campfire couldn't handle anymore. They were enjoying themselves too much to care about anything else. The laughter and happiness encircled the group, bringing them higher. It had been too long since they'd been so relaxed and carefree. It was a gift, a blessing in disguise; all of them cherished it without thinking.

"Guys, guys, we have to get to bed before the Harpies come after us. It's nearly midnight," Annabeth informed everyone. Everyone groaned at the news. None of them wanted to leave. With several sighs, they started clearing up. Connor and Travis stowed the food away in their sweatshirts, Percy put out the fire, and Katie made the grass grow a little thicker to high their footprints. The ghosts of laughter was still on everyone's faces as they ran for cover. It had been the perfect end to a perfect day and that's all anyone could ever ask for.

**A/N: Willow is my own creation. All the other amazing characters belong to Uncle Rick.**


	2. Nico di Angelo, the God of Happy Meals

**A/N: I want to thank ****jajajajaajajaj for the idea for this chapter. What was intended to be a one-shot has turned into a war XD**

**Reviews:**

**MagicMilk: Oh yes. By some miracle, we have a squeal. I think you'll find it as satisfying as the first chapter.**

**jajajajaajajaj: Yes, yes, yes! Thanks again for the idea!**

**Zammie-Percabeth-Slythindork: Personally, Aphrodite's was my favorite too. I simply love writing and reading stories that rip on the Goddess of Love.**

**Connie rose: Thank you! Glad you liked it!**

**jayfeather10: That toy car might have saved your life! It could be an omen in disguise! Or maybe you should just give it to Octavian. It might help him smile and murder less panda pillow pets XD**

**percabeth-pothena: Thank you very much!**

**Shadowfey913: If you were laughing just but reading it, think about how much I laughed while writing it! I now understand why Uncle Rick enjoys tormenting us! **

Mount Olympus was unusually peaceful for the time of day. Late afternoon was usually when Hera and Zeus could be heard screaming at each other while Athena cursed Hermes for stealing her latest project. Olympus was never quiet by normal standards. Many were lucky if they could hear themselves think by the end of each day. Many other minor gods and creatures quivered and wondered fearfully when many of the Olympians walked through the streets towards the Throne Room. Had something happened? Was Kronos attacking? Or was the world ending in a different way? They didn't know and no one dared to ask.

Zeus and Hera were already on their thrones. Hera looked like she had some horrible smell under her nose and Zeus looked irritated. Zeus glowered at them, silently demanding that they take their seats. Athena stood in the middle of the circle of thrones, shoulders back.

"Why have you called us here?" she asked sternly. Poseidon rolled his eyes.

"If you just shut up and sit down you'd already know." Athena glared at him.

"How about I give you a lesson in defense, kelp-for-brains?"

"Enough!" Zeus shouted. Athena and Poseidon shot daggers at each other before Athena took her seat. Hermes rushed in looking like he's just ran to Marathon and back. His cellphone phone was tucked under his ear, yabbering away, as he jammed some colorful fabric into his pockets. All eyes were on him as Hermes stumbled into his throne. He cursed into the phone before slamming it shut. He looked up at his fellow Olympians.

"What?" Athena and Demeter rolled their eyes, Artemis huffed, annoyed, and Apollo snickered under this breath.

"Are you finished?" Zeus boomed.

"Not even remotely!" Hermes raved. "Do you know how backed up I am? I still have things that I've had in storage since Easter. Easter! If you stopped calling us together every other Sunday for brunch I might actually be making my delivery quota!" Before anyone could retort, the cell rang again. "For the love of me!" he shrieked, denying the call and turning it off. "I am busy!" Apollo and Ares shared sidelong glances. They grinned, snorting with laughter.

"I said enough!" Zeus roared. Everyone fell silent, even Hermes. "We have _extremely _important things to discuss!"

"Like what our children have been saying about us?" Dionysus interjected lazily, drinking from his Diet Coke can. Eleven pairs of eyes turned to look at him.

"Excuse me?" Demeter snapped. "What have they been saying about us?"

"Yes," quipped Athena. "I was just going to ask the same thing."

"Oh, nothing much," Dionysus said after another drink. "Just what they think we would be the gods and goddesses of in the modern world, that's all." Apollo puffed his chest out.

"I would be the Sexiest God," he announced with a winning smile.

"Actually, they said you would be the God of Homosexuals." Artemis choked on the nectar she had been drinking. She spit out the mouthful, spraying the floor. Her laugh filled the room along with Athena's and Aphrodite's. Apollo's face turned red as he slumped down into his throne.

"And where did they get that idea from?" Apollo asked quietly.

"Something about Hyacinthus," Dionysus told the group. The goddesses hollowed with mirth as Apollo's face turned as bright as a crayola crayon. Hermes and Hephaestus had joined in on the laughter at Apollo's expense. Even Poseidon and Zeus shared a grin.

"Well what did they say about everyone else?" Apollo demanded, trying to direct the attention of the group onto someone else.

"They said your sister was the Goddess of Lesbianism." Artemis looked horrified. It was Apollo's turn to laugh in his sibling's face. Artemis stuttered, but couldn't form words. Aphrodite laughed even harder.

"Why are you laughing?" Dionysus asked her. "They decided you would be the Goddess of S.T.I.'s." Aphrodite wasn't laughing anymore, but Athena and Artemis were.

"You sleep with every mortal you set eyes on," Athena said through her giggles. "If anyone one of us could get an S.T.I. it would _surely_ be you." Aphrodite threw a golden hairbrush at Athena, which she dodged.

"You can shut up!" Aphrodite snapped, glowering around Artemis to direct her hate at Athena. Athena smirked.

"I speak the truth." As the two women bickered, Poseidon looked down the line at Dionysus.

"And what did they decide I would be the god of?"

"Something about really hot lifeguards," Dionysus said as he pulled out another can of Diet Coke.

"WHAT?!" Apollo shouted, throwing his hands up. "How come _he_ gets to be the god of hotness and _I_ get stuck with homosexuality?!"

"I don't know. Ask your children," Dionysus retorted. Apollo crossed his arms and slunk down in his throne to sulk. Poseidon simply beamed.

"What about our dear Hermes?" Martha asked from the antenna of Hermes' cell phone.

"Yes," George agreed. "And will someone bring me a rat?"

"Enough with the rats, George!" Martha hissed.

"I believe one of the girls decided that you looked like you would deal cocaine to high schoolers, so she said you would be the God of Drug Dealers." Hermes' eyes widen as the most of the Olympian Counsel burst into laughter. Even Martha and George had a hard time holding back their giggles.

"I would not and do not sell any sort of drug to mortal adolescents!" Hermes shouted over everyone. This just made them laugh harder.

After nearly a half an hour of laughing at each others expense, everyone had been informed of their new title. Hera had been absolutely disgusted when told she would be the Goddess of Divorce and even more so when Zeus agreed. The gods agreed that some of the ideas were more creative than others. Everyone agreed that Poseidon's was the best.

"So since our children redefined us, wouldn't that give us the right to redefine them?" Athena asked, looking around at her fellow Olympians. Apollo's grin was borderline evil.

"Yes it does!" he shouted. Many of the others nodded, smiling as well. The ring of gods went silent as they were all deep in thought. It was Hermes that broke the silence.

"Silena Beauregard, Aphrodite's kid, she'd be the Goddess of Mangos."

"Excuse me?" Aphrodite interjected loudly. Hermes grinned.

"For the hottest, remember?" The gods erupted with laughter. They remembered _that_ particular story from Dionysus. The Stoll brothers had spray painted a mango gold and wrote _for the hottest_ on it and left it in Cabin Ten. The daughters of Aphrodite almost burnt down their cabin during their squabble for the mango. Silena had been victorious.

"She would be the Goddess of Mangos," Demeter agreed. "_My_ daughter would be the Goddess of Strawberries." Apollo snorted with suppressed laughter.

"More like the Goddess of Chocolate!" Demeter glowered at him. She flicked her wrist and a sunflower sprouted from the ground, right into his face. Apollo yelped, jumping slightly. Artemis snickered.

"That was not her!" Demeter snapped at the cowering god of the sun. "It was those damn Hermes kids!" Apollo nodded, mostly to get her to glare at someone else.

Even though the gods were not aloud to directly interfere with their children's lives, they deeply enjoyed staying up-to-date on the latest gossip (not that they would admit to such a thing). Usually Aphrodite or Dionysus provided the daily gossip; Aphrodite on the mortal world and Dionysus on Camp Half-Blood. Whether their children knew it or not, the gods knew just about everything that happened at camp.

Zeus looked to be in deep thought. Athena looked over at him.

"And what's on your mind?"

"I think Percy would be the God of Cluelessness." Poseidon rose to his feet, his trident appearing in his hand.

"Excuse me?!" he demanded. Athena was grinning.

"I agree," she said. "Without the help of _my_ daughter, your son would never have made it this far. Actually, he would never have made it out of the Underworld without her help! Or from Polyphemus' cave! Or through the Labyrinth!"

"I notice how you've left out the time where she got captured and Percy had to rescue her," Poseidon retorted, swinging his trident at her.

"Put that thing away," Hera snapped. "We're not going to war with each other today." Zeus rolled his eyes behind his wife's back.

Poseidon ignored his sister, still brandishing the trident at Athena.

"For the record, your daughter would be the Goddess of Spiders," Poseidon said, the trident disappearing as he sat back down in his throne. Hermes and Apollo snickered. Leaning around Hephaestus, Hermes whispered to Apollo,

"Wouldn't Annabeth just _die_ if she was made the Goddess of Spiders?" Apollo snorted loudly, nodding. Athena's eyes narrowed at them.

"What are you two whispering about?"

"Nothing!" they said quickly, sharing a grin with each other. Athena didn't believe them for a second.

"What about Thalia?" Aphrodite asked the others. "What would she be the goddess of?"

"Pinecones," Poseidon, Apollo, and Hermes all said instantly. Thunder rumbled around them as Zeus' anger flared.

"How dare you!" he roared. "She would _not_ be the Goddess of Pinecones!" Poseidon looked across at Athena and Demeter. They nodded.

"See?" Poseidon gestured to them while looking over at Zeus. "Even they agree your daughter would be a Pinecone Face." Artemis did not look amused by Poseidon's choice of words.

"My first lieutenant is most certainly not a Pinecone Face."

"Though your son _is_ a Seaweed Brain," Athena said nonchalantly.

"Well _your_ daughter is a Wise Girl!" Poseidon replied without pause.

"That's not even a good insult!"

"That's not even a good comeback!"

"Well you have barnacle breath!"

"You're an insufferable know-it-all!"

"You stole that from Harry Potter!"

"See?! Know-it-all!"

"ENOUGH!" Zeus shouted over them. Athena and Poseidon went silent. Everyone was quiet. Until Hermes spoke, that is.

"Clarisse would be the Goddess of Toilet Water."

The next ten minutes would be spent keeping Ares from murdering Hermes. Poseidon, Apollo, and Artemis held back Ares as Aphrodite and Athena shielded Hermes from the God of War. Ares was yelling at the top of his lungs as he fought the Olympians holding him back. Somehow, Zeus managed to regain control of his siblings and children _and_ got them back into their thrones without any ichor spilt.

"Sometimes you all act like children," Zeus grumbled under this breath when everyone was settled. Zeus was just about to tell them they weren't godifying anymore of their children when Hephaestus decided to chip in his two cents.

"Since Dionysus is the God of Partying, couldn't that make his kid the God of Party Drugs, like Ecstasy?" Dionysus choked on his Diet Coke. The other gods broke out in fits of laughter. Hera looked at everyone.

"I don't think so. I thought Hermes was the God of Drug Dealers, so wouldn't that make Pollux a son of Hermes?" She said this so seriously that Apollo laughed harder and fell right out of his throne. Dionysus was showing more emotion for those ten seconds then he had in the last millenium. Zeus and Poseidon laughed out loud at the expression of mingled horror and outrage on his face. Hermes was sure that Dionysus was going to entangle everyone with grapevines or something similar. Thankfully another demigod was put to shame.

"That no good Son of Hades, Nico, he would be the God of Happy Meals!" Without Hades there to defend his son, the entire Olympian Counsel erupted in laughter, Zeus and Poseidon nodding as they laughed. Hera giggled wildly. Hermes was laughing so hard he started choking. Hephaestus slammed his hand onto Hermes' back, trying to aid in the breathing process, not that gods actually needed air.

"I hope you know that _doesn't help_," Hermes gasped. Dionysus shot Hermes a look.

"You sound like your brats." Hermes rolled his eyes as everyone else got their laughter under control. "Speaking of your twerps, they would be the Gods of Backfired Pranks." Everyone nodded and agreed.

"Nothing does seem to work for them, does it?" Athena asked.

"Hey!" Hermes cried. "They are _extremely capable_-"

"Of getting caught," Aphrodite finished for him. "Remember the Golden Mango? My daughters may have fought like a wild herd of Bratz Dolls, but your kids looked like dorks for a month." Hermes had absolutely nothing to say to Aphrodite and silently vowed to mis-deliver all of her outgoing and incoming mail for the next year.

"Well remember those damn ants?" Apollo said out of the blue. Everyone looked at him.

"Yeah, what about them?" Hera asked, looking him over.

"Well Beckendorf, Hephy's kid, would be the god of them."

"What have I said about calling me 'Hephy'?!" Hephaestus shouted. More laughter filled the room. Whether it was at Beckendorf's or Hephaestus', no one knew.

"Has anyone ever heard Apollo sing?" Athena asked. All of the other goddesses nodded.

"Why are you bringing my gorgeous singing into this?" Apollo asked, almost daringly.

"Because your son, Micheal whatever, would be the God of the Opera," athena informed him.

"Yes," Artemis agreed. "Because when he sings, glass breaks, much like when you recite poetry."

Apollo stormed out, his face hot and red with the day's embarrassment. Everyone else laughed until they couldn't laugh anymore. It can be concluded that nothing of true importance was talked about during that particular meeting.


End file.
